In absence

July 17, 2008

Despite having my new .Mac account, I still am without work.  It is most likely because I just can’t figure out where Dr. Deshpande hid the files, but I will not be working until I receive an email guiding me through the new software.

Today I realized that I can no longer force my siblings into the type of relationship I would like to have with them.  While my sister and I still occasionally have our qualms, we have become more like friends than siblings who simply coexist in the same house.  Alternately, my brother has seem to have lost any desire to be involved in my life.  When posed with a question about his college class, his job, or just what he’s up to for the weekend, I usually get a blunt yes or no, or a response in a tone that you’d only use with someone who just offended you in some way.  I have made honest attempts to get closer with both of them this summer since I’m moving out, but it has only been half successful.  I try to remember that time in my life (only 3 years ago) but still cannot remember being so angry with everyone.  My mom often tries to console me, saying it’s because his girlfriend is away, or that he’s just not like Janelle and myself–not as social.  Either way, it upsets me to think that he always seems to be pushing me away.

I have spent countless hours trying to figure out what could be packed up in this house that hasn’t already been.  With two weeks left to go, I feel that I could theoretically begin to put my belongings into boxes, but there are many things that just can’t be put away until moving day is closer.  I  have this abundance of time with nothing to fill it, when I know in two weeks my life will be  more hectic than it has been in months.  The very thought of the rush kind of makes me want to pack everything this very second, but I’d be staring at blank walls for too many nights.

This fall I have 22 credits–six classes and a lab.  I’m becoming a bit nervous; last semester I had six and there were times that I felt entirely overwhelmed.  I am hoping that the art classes don’t seem like work (instead something I can truly enjoy) and that I am able to push through my Gen Ed science course this fall.  I know that academically this will be my toughest semester so far, if not in the entire four years.