Times Like These

July 25, 2008

Tonight was one of those times that you sincerely want to enjoy, but almost wish you didn’t go through to spare the tears.  My mother and I have this semi-tradition of going to see movies when I’m home from school for breaks.  Tonight we went to see Wall-E (my second time), and after, she broke into tears, saying how I’m growing up too quickly, how she’ll miss me.  It’s not as if this is the first time I’ve heard this, or that I had any doubts–I am going to miss living at home as well, but at the same time, I know I must go.  This truly is what I want.  I hate having to leave my family and especially my mom; I wish I could have both at the same time.  The truth is, I have to do this part of growing up now, or risk falling into what many others do.  I don’t want to stay here forever.  I need to struggle to get by a bit, find my own footing in an apartment of my own, and make my own mistakes.  It’s good to know that despite that, I still have a mom that I can call at two in the morning when everything is falling to pieces, and a home I can come back to no matter what.

It’s difficult not to be sentimental about times like these, especially when you want to be excited.

Beyond my tears, I know there’s hundreds of great things that are going to be going on in the next few months.  My fifth–can I believe it, fifth!–semester of college is starting, I will be back to work, trying out a few new jobs on campus, and back with my friends.  The homesickness always wears off, but there’s always the empty hole of being home.  I’m hoping that having someone from home (Zach) with me will ease the pain, but I know that nothing compares to family.  This year I hope they can visit as often as they’d like to but don’t always have the chance.

In the back of my head, there are a thousand thoughts that keep streaming.  I wonder if I’m making the right choices, if I’m truly going to be okay, and if this is really what I want.  I’m nearly positive it is; the second guessing is purely a side-effect of all the emotion that is being pumped into it all.  One good cry session this week should get me past it… I hope.