I want to ride my Bicycle.

I have always found myself comparing myself to other people… especially when I’m in a relationship. I’ve never been physically secure with my body, so naturally a relationship lends the possibility for a good old game of “I’m not as pretty as she is/was”. Beyond that, I often think to myself that I’m lacking; I’m either too young, too naive, not creative enough, not knowledgeable in the right things. It’s tough to keep in check when, at times, you feel as though you just don’t measure up.

When that happens, I try to keep myself afloat by thinking about all the positive parts of my life; I have my health, a supportive family, wonderful friends, an amazing relationship. I often worry about things that haven’t happened yet or that are possibilities for the future. I work myself up over the “could be’s” or “might happens” rather than worrying about the here and now.

In the past, there hasn’t been much in my life that’s concrete. I’ve always been apprehensive about getting close to others for fear of losing them. In many of my close relationships, I would say this is the major point of strain. I almost cry some days at the thought of not being within walking distance of my best friends or at the idea that my living arrangement isn’t going to be the same… in a year. While I try to think about the here, and enjoy what’s going on, there’s part of me that just constantly resorts back to the possibility of losing what is near and dear.

I’m going to focus on the day at hand without sadness over things I can’t control. I know what I want, and there’s no reason not to pursue it.

It’s amazing what clarity can come from a bicycle ride.

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Decisions, Decisions

So, in the spirit of doing something different–and hey, it’s a Friday–I’m going to post this way.  This is a list of things I’ve decided I’m doing, whether they be large or small.  So, ahem, the next  month of my life at a glance:

• dropping my second minor:  okay, so this really wasn’t ever entirely established anyway.  I was technically admitted to the theatre department, but haven’t taken a class.  I was going to switch to Sociology, but I only have one class (and it was a gen ed requirement).  I’m dropping it, going to actually take classes I want, and not kill myself senior year.
• fancy-pants hair cut:  so I already did this, but if anyone who reads this actually knows me, they know I’m probably the most indecisive person ever.  Especially when it comes to any form of change–big or small.  I finally, after much debate, hacked my hair off (yet again).  I committed, and for that, I am happy.
• not worrying about finances: sure, I’m a poor college student.  That’s really not something unique these days; I have five hundred classmates at my suburban university and I’m sure at least half of us are in that boat.  I can either constantly plague my mind with the dwindling amount of money in my bank account, or I can enjoy myself, spend time doing things I love, and splurging on occasion.  I can be responsible and still be happy–a large amount of saved money honestly won’t make me feel any better at the end of the day.
• smile, often:  now, if you know me, you might say “hey, you’re typically a happy kid” but I mean really smile.  Forget the little things that bother me (stuff around the house, stuff at work) and let the tiny details just be that.  Let things go, love easily, smile freely, and just enjoy things as they come.

so, that’s about it for now.. the biggie was the dropping of the second major.  I feel a dual concentration and minor are more than enough.  I’m sick of trying to prove my intelligence through degrees and certifications and on and on… from now on, I know I’m smart.  No need to prove anything.

Imperfectly

…might be the best way to describe how I’ve been doing things lately.  I feel that it’s been tough to keep everything–work, the apartment, family, my relationship–afloat despite the major changes that have been going on.  After an epic breakdown tonight (something I am entitled to; it comes with the vagina), I realized that despite the emotions that sometimes get the best of me, I have the best support system I could ever pray for.

It’s tough to relax when everything is going well, though.  Because of my past, I often expect the worst; if things are going well, I typically await a tragedy.  I think that might be placing an unnecessary amount of strain on things themselves–with each passing day, I worry I may be closer to something exploding in my face.  Needless to say, I am in no way, shape, or form capable of handling something quite like that at the present moment, and if it does happen, I pray I’m to a place in my life that it can be handled with grace and maturity.

Something that does seem to always help is the chance to just do something with my hands.  Tonight Zach helped me paint–I’ve had oil paints forever but never something to paint or simply the time to do it.  It was nice to just let go and do something–anything–that yields an immediate result.  I think that’s why I’ve been drawn to the arts my entire life.  With a single brush stroke, release of the shutter, breathe, or pull of the bow, I can create something that is here and now.  I love seeing the results of my time, patience, and imagination.  It makes me feel as though, aside from my many, many insecurities, that maybe I can do something right.  As sad as it sounds, I know after today, that it’s a step in the right direction.

Having the freedom to say what’s on my mind, uncensored and unplanned, to walk around in my underwear and deep down feel like I might be the most beautiful woman on the planet (at least to one person), or to eat chocolate cake til I cannot dare take another bite, has become very liberating.  The only person in the way of me becoming the person I owe myself to be is me.

But at least I know I have help getting there.

Hey, Ho, Let’s Go.

Being back at work has a very specific sense of satisfcation.  Sure, it’s great to know that there’s a paycheck in the not-so-distant future, and hey, it’s great to see my co-workers; I even love the 20 minute walk I now endure (okay, that sounds negative, but really, it’s not bad).  It’s even delightful to get paid to eat a spinach salad and read a book for three hours.  But, beyond these perks of being employed by a metropolitan Philadelphia university, there’s part of me that wishes I’d just find a “normal” job.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I’m here mutilating small animals–it’s not that kind of abnormal–but I wish I had some other perk beyond just working on campus (do I hear a clothing discount? maybe a break on dinners at some nice restaurant?) It’s my third year working as a Student Assistant/Communications Counselor/Ambassador, and part of me just feels like I’d rather be ringing up clothing at the mall or waiting tables… just for a change of scenery.  It’s hard for me to settle into one place for any length of time without wondering what else is out there for me to experience or to simply try.

Things at home have settled into something resembling normalcy (our style, of course) yet again.  I no longer wake up in a cold sweat during the night wondering where in God’s name I am, nor have I bumped my head on the sloped ceiling under which our bed rests.  We’ve taken to making dinner and cleaning up with an unspoken system (he cooks, I clean) and relax every night with a movie (or our newest favorite, Weeds).  With every grocery store stop, dinner together, and night sitting watching tv while having a snack, I realize that I am entering into an age a bit unlike that of my past.  I’ve kind of hurdled beyond typical college student in the last few months by just moving in with my significant other.  I’m quite excited for the beginning of the semester, and waiting to see what’s next for me.

It’s been tough for me to say what I’m thinking lately.  It’s not that I don’t have words–I always have those–but instead, my emotions tend to whiz through a tunnel at a speed that I can’t always control.  Yesterday was one of those days where I wanted to cling one minute, be alone the next, sleep for awhile, and then run around restless.  It frustrates me to be full of emotion without knowing how to get it out, especially when someone is interested in understanding.  It’s not always easy, and I know that it’s not always easy to deal with.  I feel that it not only burdens me, but whoever I’m with at the time.  But then I try to remind myself that I’m blowing it out of proportion, that I’m probably not a problem, but me being me, I tend to err on the side of caution and worry.

It’s just how I roll.

I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane…

(this post was from three days ago, but me being the flighty person I can sometimes be, posted it as a page instead of just a normal post.  Blunders galore, but here it is for real this time!)

…okay, maybe it was just a 1997 Subaru station wagon jammed with odds and ends, but still, it was leaving. This post comes much later than I would have preferred it to, but without internet, you are at the mercy of being a “pirate” until you can set up your own. That being said, I typically only have it during regular business hours.

The move went off without a hitch. There were so many thoughts I had while it happened and I would say “Gee, I hope I remember that to blog” but in the end, I don’t think I really remember any of them. I start work again today (with a wonderful seven hour shift) and then Coll is hopefully coming to spend the afternoon/evening with us. I can hardly wait!

One thing that does stick in my mind is something I have never had the pleasure of enjoying before: the harmony of families. With both of our parents coming to help us move—there’s a picture of the truck that I will post once I have real internet—I naturally was waiting for some sort of problem. Instead, I found out that our fathers drank beer together, our mothers joked about how furniture would get up the stairs, and at the end of it all, we were still happy. It’s amazing when things just work out naturally, especially when you aren’t already expecting it.

Despite this all being semi-unconventional, I feel like that’s just simply more our speed. In all honesty, we really have never done things by the book, so why start now?