What are you holding out for?

September 18, 2008

How is it that just when you think everything is under control–your relationships, your academics, your life in general–something really unbelievable happens and sends it tumbling?  I’ve been asking myself this for about a week now.  After disproving some rumors and getting my life seemingly back to normal, something happened to send it out of control yet again.  Now I’m playing a waiting game, hoping that everything settles down within the next two weeks.

This is why I often don’t get too settled in any situations.  It’s also why I have a horrible fear of losing people.

I have always had difficulty getting close to people without becoming clingy.  I’d like to blame this on something awful from my childhood, but honestly, the only person who ever left was my father.  I just find it extremely difficult to try to open up–really let someone get to know me–without a great fear that they might not be there in the future.

I’ve had that problem with every relationship I’ve tried to keep up.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve thrown Zach into the obligitory role of problem-solver because I have a meltdown about something that is at least five years in the future.  It’s not as though I’m not happy with the here and now; it’s just the idea of losing what I value.  I become attached while remaining independent; I worry while I stay strong.  It’s quite the destructive cycle.

So, in the next few weeks I wait (and hope) that life gets back on track.  That I can focus on the five art classes that fill my day, the job that occupies my time, and the apartment that has fallen into disarray.    If anything, the last week has taught me to appreciate the quiet times in my life.

And to be careful for what we wish for.

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