Give me the silver lining.

I’ve learned to never say never.  Two days ago, I boasted how I never throw up.  One day later, I’m in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, praying to God that he leaves my body alone.  A week ago, I said I’d never bomb another gen ed.  Today, I find out I got a 67 on my lab practical.  

Honest to God, I’m trying to get my shit together, but it just doesn’t seem to be happening these days.  I try to get ahead, I get sick.  I try my best, it doesn’t get me what I need.  At the rate I’m going, I am going to graduate with below a 3, thanks mostly to university gen ed requirements that will not really matter in the long run anyway (has anyone in the art/comm. world ever had to weigh a balloon during a job interview? didn’t think so).  The more I think about it, the more I’d love to just load up on photo paper, grab a camera, and set out taking pictures.  I’d develop til my heart’s content and never work for a due date again.  And I’d be poor.  And have to eat dirt.

While professors are talking up the possibility of me attending grad school, the future only looks bleak on days like today.  How in the world do I explain a GPA that doesn’t reflect me as a student?  I thought that was only possibly when you were applying to undergrad school (trust me, I’ve seen my fair share of “while I have a 1.2, I swear on my mother’s grave, I’m a good student” letters come through the admissions office).  While an art school look at my GPA?  Or better yet, will I, with my under 2 years worth of work, be able to get through a portfolio review for a decent MFA program?  

I just seriously have my doubts.

On an up note, I am working my butt off on a few things.  I have my final project in Photo going and I’m starting to make a few decisions about what to stick in my portfolio.  I also have a video project coming along and the only way to describe it would be Jenny Holzer-esque.  I’m very, very excited.  

I just need a break from the bad news that is a part of being a full-time student.  I honestly can’t handle any more.

Guatemala has been booked.. only a few months until I get to travel into Central America for nearly 3 weeks (Honduras first for media stuff).  It should be great and I hope it’s just what I need after this year from hell.  It’s hard to believe (but very welcomed) that I only have three more semesters left.  As much as I love Philadelphia, I’m quite excited to get the hell out for awhile.

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Don’t Read this.

I don’t yield 50+ results when you search me on Google.  I don’t improve my campus, I don’t create new groups or receive scholarships for anything outstanding.  I’m not brilliantly unique or remarkably strong.  I cry, I bruise easily, and I still sleep with a security blanket.  I’m asthmatic, I drive a station wagon, and I don’t quite stand five feet tall.

I honestly can’t fool myself; this body, this person that is mine?  Yeah, still not completely settled in.

I hear it day in and day out:  you’re smart, you’re caring, you’re creative.  I hope these things aren’t just being said to keep me sane, but that they are the truth.  I get so down on myself when I realize that others around me are doing so much more.  I feel that I too should be succeeding, not just merely scraping by.  Then I realize that I’m happy (my version of happy, at least) with my pajama-filled nights and movie marathons with a certain someone who lives with me (and loves me).  It makes me feel accomplished in a way that a certificate never could, but still, I feel like I need to make everyone more proud of the person I should be.

Why in God’s name do I let myself do this?

where do I belong?

This is getting overwhelmingly complicated to keep up with.  It’s not that I don’t have stuff to say (alright, sometimes I don’t) but it’s that I can’t remember.  And I don’t have time.  I don’t even have time to eat most days.  But when I finally do get around to doing stuff, I realize that I neglect things that shouldn’t be put off. 

Like schoolwork, for example.

Right now, I belong in the photo lab with my class, working on prints that are due Monday.  4 prints.  Where are the negatives that I’m going to enlarge, you might ask?  Still in the camera, still half unexposed, still waiting for me to do something with them.  And I just can’t find it in me.  Every time I think I have something good–something “on the edge”, as my professor has asked me to be–I can’t photograph it.  Either it’s too far away, or the person doesn’t consent, or it’s not adaquate lighting.  I feel like if I could just release my thoughts onto the photo paper I’d always come out on top, but sadly, that’s not how it works.

So I’m home instead.  I’m sitting on the sofa, tapping at the keyboard, waiting for a phone call and afternoon Barnes and Nobel run (so I can finally get a new planner.. who knew that I’d need a 2009 planner two months before January even hit?).  I’m leaving dishes piling up, forgetting laundry in the dryer, not cleaning the bathroom, letting the bed go unmade–essentially for nothing.  I have nothing to show for my genuine lack of interest in most things these days, except for mediocre grades and a portfolio that needs some serious revising.

I just can’t wait for December 15 so this is all over.