I realized today that I attach myself to people.  I feel that this might be why I only have a handful of “real” friends.  Once someone talks to me–or I meet them for the first time, or they show me the slightest amount of kindness–I cling.  I realize that this is a huge problem for a majority of the civilized world, but I do it no matter how much I attempt not to.  I feel like this is something that can be linked back to my childhood (and if it can’t be, I’d like to say it can be so I have an explaination for my behavior).  Either way, I tend to bother the people who will listen, over-interact with anyone who seems to enjoy my company, and drive all the people in my life out of their minds.  I really wish I knew how to leave people alone more often, but when I find someone I enjoy because of their wonderful personality, or their knowledge, or their way of just brightening up my day, I try to talk to them as much as I can.  I want to keep those people that I think are special as close as possible but I realize tht I later feel terrible for smothering them with my insecurity of having them leave me.  This is something I should probably get over.  Fast.

Give me the silver lining.

November 19, 2008

I’ve learned to never say never.  Two days ago, I boasted how I never throw up.  One day later, I’m in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, praying to God that he leaves my body alone.  A week ago, I said I’d never bomb another gen ed.  Today, I find out I got a 67 on my lab practical.  

Honest to God, I’m trying to get my shit together, but it just doesn’t seem to be happening these days.  I try to get ahead, I get sick.  I try my best, it doesn’t get me what I need.  At the rate I’m going, I am going to graduate with below a 3, thanks mostly to university gen ed requirements that will not really matter in the long run anyway (has anyone in the art/comm. world ever had to weigh a balloon during a job interview? didn’t think so).  The more I think about it, the more I’d love to just load up on photo paper, grab a camera, and set out taking pictures.  I’d develop til my heart’s content and never work for a due date again.  And I’d be poor.  And have to eat dirt.

While professors are talking up the possibility of me attending grad school, the future only looks bleak on days like today.  How in the world do I explain a GPA that doesn’t reflect me as a student?  I thought that was only possibly when you were applying to undergrad school (trust me, I’ve seen my fair share of “while I have a 1.2, I swear on my mother’s grave, I’m a good student” letters come through the admissions office).  While an art school look at my GPA?  Or better yet, will I, with my under 2 years worth of work, be able to get through a portfolio review for a decent MFA program?  

I just seriously have my doubts.

On an up note, I am working my butt off on a few things.  I have my final project in Photo going and I’m starting to make a few decisions about what to stick in my portfolio.  I also have a video project coming along and the only way to describe it would be Jenny Holzer-esque.  I’m very, very excited.  

I just need a break from the bad news that is a part of being a full-time student.  I honestly can’t handle any more.

Guatemala has been booked.. only a few months until I get to travel into Central America for nearly 3 weeks (Honduras first for media stuff).  It should be great and I hope it’s just what I need after this year from hell.  It’s hard to believe (but very welcomed) that I only have three more semesters left.  As much as I love Philadelphia, I’m quite excited to get the hell out for awhile.

Don’t Read this.

November 10, 2008

I don’t yield 50+ results when you search me on Google.  I don’t improve my campus, I don’t create new groups or receive scholarships for anything outstanding.  I’m not brilliantly unique or remarkably strong.  I cry, I bruise easily, and I still sleep with a security blanket.  I’m asthmatic, I drive a station wagon, and I don’t quite stand five feet tall.

I honestly can’t fool myself; this body, this person that is mine?  Yeah, still not completely settled in.

I hear it day in and day out:  you’re smart, you’re caring, you’re creative.  I hope these things aren’t just being said to keep me sane, but that they are the truth.  I get so down on myself when I realize that others around me are doing so much more.  I feel that I too should be succeeding, not just merely scraping by.  Then I realize that I’m happy (my version of happy, at least) with my pajama-filled nights and movie marathons with a certain someone who lives with me (and loves me).  It makes me feel accomplished in a way that a certificate never could, but still, I feel like I need to make everyone more proud of the person I should be.

Why in God’s name do I let myself do this?