I’ve noticed that on any day that doesn’t require me to leave the house I have a very difficult time becoming a functioning member of society.  It’s not like I’ve been asleep all day, I just seem to float between the sofa and my bed a ridiculous number of times, ward off taking a shower, and take an unnecessary fast.  I’ve been watching unimportant things like this:

or reading blogs I like such as this ,

or checking Facebook compulsively while watching fire engines speed down my street, or checking CNN to see where Obama and his train are (I bet Amtrak isn’t charging him and arm and a leg, and he probably gets a seat for the whole trip), or searching Ebay for things I’ll never really need, or buy for that matter or just being generally useless and neglecting household chores.   I’d like to think it’s not because I’m lazy, but instead because of some higher reason that I just don’t understand yet. Perhaps it’s just me trying to enjoy a day of no responsibilities–something that rarely comes around anymore.  Either way, I’m plastered to the couch with a cozy blanket in the clothes I wore to sleep last night.  Not necessarily the most attractive thing to look at, but glamorous just isn’t my style.

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He was right, I may be crazy.

December 23, 2008

He said that our love shouldn’t be directed to only one person and that physical relationships do not equal love.  I fought, said I couldn’t understand him, and that by no means did I want to be having sex with other people while in–what I define as–a committed relationship.

Today I sort of had a breakthrough of sorts.

I have love for so many people.  While this love may be different for the people who whom I direct it, it’s love that is impossible to harness and throw onto only one person.  While visiting at the nursing home today, I sat with a woman who usually finds her way into a chair next to me when I swing by for a visit.  We spent about half an hour simply sitting in silence with one another as she tried to eat a candy cane that my mother gave her. I may only have known this woman through the limited contact I have with her a few times a year, but I love her.  No, I don’t just throw this word around, I truly do.  I get attached to each person that enters my life; the only difference is the extent to which I do this.  Some people linger, therefore, I typically have a stronger bond with them.  While many of these people are entirely unaware of these attachments I form, the moment they are out of my life, I feel a loss.  It’s not a loss that causes me to stay awake crying at night (although some of them do) but it’s a loss that is present at different moments throughout my life.  Some days I recall a face that I saw while working at a job I had in high school, while other days I think about a relationship I had in junior high while I drive to campus.  

My love is without limits.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to love in a different kind of way.  This person has shown me that love is truly open to being shared with more than just the person you want to grow old with; instead, you can share that wonderful emotion with anyone around you.  While I’m typically reckless (hense the handful of broken hearts I’ve dealt with in the last twenty years), I honestly love without regret.  Every bad moment has taught me something new and every great relationship has blessed me in a unique way.  

and now, back to some crappy television.

..winter wonderland?

December 19, 2008

I’ve been told that the lack of seasonal weather is about to come to an end here in SEPA (south eastern Pennsylvania… when you’re from the northern part of the state, you grow up thinking NEPA is an actual word, or if you’re my sister, a state all its own).  We’re forcasted to get about 6 inches of snow and this is going to really mix up my holiday travel plans.  I had intentions of leaving tomorrow for my parents house for Christmas, but it looks like I’ll be sticking around just a few more days.  This means a queen sized bed to myself, free reign over the bathroom, and enjoying the early bedtime of about 10:30.  

As I sat at work today–mailing 1,052 letters, mind you–I realized that I have no interest in the holiday this year.  Typically after Thanksgiving, I’m in full holiday spirit, begging to decorate the house and buy gifts for my loved ones.  While the tree was set up the night we got back to our place, I haven’t really felt in the spirit much unless I’m home.  I love our tree and the idea of getting things for people I care about, but come on, some old guy strumming away at an upright bass crooning horrible Christmas songs?  No, not fun.  Moms trampling each other at Wal Mart? Doesn’t seem cheery to me.  Maybe it’s just my age, or maybe it’s cynicism catching up to me, but this Christmas stuff seems to be for the birds.  Sure, I love the family and the sharing and the idea behind it all, but honestly, where in God’s name did we get so far away from what it really means?  

I’m assuming Furbies had something to do with it.

So, I guess I’m hoping a few inches of snow gets me excited (and not terrified, as I have to drive my death-trap car 1oo-odd miles in the next few days) about the upcoming festivities and less grinchy.  As long as I don’t hear another Christmas carol between now and the 25th, I should be just fine.