My life is consumed with being on campus.  Not always doing school work, but always being there.
I am spending the entire day in the studio tomorrow.  I really mean all day.
I had french fries from McDonalds.  They were delicious in a sinful way.
I’m addicted to the stupid “Paper Planes” song.  I’m horribly embarassed by this fact.
I want to wear sundresses now.
Spring break is only a few weeks away.
My car still has a huge dent in the door.

That is all.

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late night ramblings.

February 8, 2009

My photo project thing is in shambles.. this must be fixed.
My bedroom is hot, even with the window open.
I’m sort of sucky at screen printing, but I really like it.
The weather was outstanding today and I can’t wait to wear sundresses again.
I wish that classes were cancelled so I cold just walk around.
Septa should be cheaper.  So should supplies.
Our apartment should clean itself, like the house in that Disney Channel movie from when I was a kid.
Still warm and uncomfortable.
I wish I could find the cut of jeans that I like because I’m tired of rotating the two pairs I still have.
and we should all be free to do as we truly please.

Just when I finally think I’m getting into a groove of writing consistantly, I lose it.  The photo project has taken the back burner and I might end up just compiling them at the end of every week.  Saturday maybe? Who knows.  

Today was my first crit in Printmaking II and last night was our first major shoot in Video II with our show.  I anchored and after watching the playbacks, I realized that it’s best I didn’t do the live show.  Between my mouth and my inability to look at the camera and read the teleprompter, I looked as though I was going to fall out of my chair.  The crit went well–I could have done some things better, but it’s what I will work on in the next project.

My life is heading in a very different direction yet again.  I’m trying to keep it together while still maintaining a smile on my face.  No one said it’d be easy, but I’ll try my best to make this all work.  When you’re not faced with any other options, there’s nothing else you can honestly do but try.

It was pretty great when I was writing every day religiously.  This past week sort of caught up with me, though, and I didn’t get a chance to get to this–nor did I really have much to say.  Hours working on prints, spent wasting away editing, and the six hours a week I’ve decided to spend dancing have finally taken their toll and most nights I find myself awake past one.  Needless to say, making a few quick comments takes the backseat to sleep.  

Last night I experienced one of the most uncomfortable events of my life.  I had an allergic reaction.  Not just some blotchy rash or something–oh no, it was me in hives for twelve hours, scratching my skin off at 4:30 in the morning, crying because I knew I had to be up to study for an exam (ah!) that I haven’t even begun to look at the material.  This is now mostly remedied, however, I still feel quite itchy and fear that the day will be miserable as I spend it figuring out how to look as though I’m not losing my mind while scratching every square inch of my body.

My family is coming into town this weekend which means two things:  I have to clean and I’m going to see my sister.  It’ll also include copious amounts of my stepfather complaning about things that don’t really matter and “you look thin” comments being made by my mom.  At least I’ll get to play with the cutest puppy in the entire world for a few hours too.

It sounds like the guys in the office below our apartment are playing old school Nintendo games.  Specifically LA Sports which had a pretty awesome surfing game that I couldn’t do.

If I’ve learned anything in the past three years, it’s that I tend to jump into things too quickly.  Choice of college, my relationships, deciding what classes to take, volunteering for stuff–I’d say about 90% of such decisions were made quickly without evaluating all options.  I’m not saying all of these things are bad, but what I have realized is that sometimes I need to think things through, give them time, and revisit them when I have a clearer mind.  Many times, I don’t necessarily wait and seek out what I’m really going after and then in time, I realize that I’ve accumulated a list of regrets and “what if’s”.  Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should have waited longer before deciding on a college.  Wondering what if I would have figured out a way to study abroad this past fall?  What would my life be like if I could have been the person I wanted to be a year ago?  

While I know wondering about the past won’t at all affect my life now, it’s this reflection that leads me into thinking about how I live my life presently.  Am I where I want to be as a person?  Am I letting things pass me by?  I have to identify what I want and really start going after it before I wake up in ten years and realize that I’ve let things slip through the cracks.  I feel like with the new year and my birthday around the corner, I really really have to straighten myself out.  Not because someone else needs me to, but because I need me to.  It’s the least I owe myself.

My Life Pursuit.

January 22, 2009

When you grow up in a small town, you’re often encouraged to dream. As many people from my graduating class haven’t even left the zip code, I look at myself as a small success story. Either way, we were all required to write a short “life goal” list that was included with our pictures in the senior yearbook. For me, I listed a bunch of stuff that I had hoped to accomplish. On that list I mentioned visiting Germany, graduating with my Masters, and continuing my journey to feel infinite. I still haven’t made it to Germany (India instead), I’m nearly finished with my undergrad and I have every intention of going on for my MFA and the journey still continues. Over the last few days, I’ve really been thinking about what I truly want in this life after being recommended to look at my life, figure out how I want to continue, and shoot for it. So, in no particular order:

  • solid foods: this is at the top because it’s short-term. I have been semi-restricted to liquids the last six days or so for some unknown reason. I do, however, enjoy being able to drink Icees and eat unlimited quantities of Jell-O without even feeling guilty.
  • visit Germany: this stays. I still really really really really really want to go.
  • be in love, get married, have kids, blah blah blah: I want the whole she-bang. While I’m in a relationship now, I know that I want to have my special day with pretty dress and flowers (which is, I’m pretty sure, the only real reason I want a wedding) and I want kids. Not one. At least two. With cool names and middle names that make other kids say “what were your parents’ thinking?”
  • get into a school for my MFA: I really feel that despite a lackluster portfolio, if I’m given the chance to go somewhere for my MFA (Chicago? Baltimore? Rutgers?) I could really excel. I have the desire, I have the drive–most days–and I know that it’s what I want. I’d love to teach at some point but more than anything I’d love to have the opportunity to learn more than I already know.
  • Tell every person I know exactly how I feel about them: This isn’t quite as much of a “thing I want to accomplish” as it’s me being honest with myself and the people that I love. I should get on this, pronto.
  • Get over my fear of spending money: I have a phobia that prohibits me from buying anything I don’t actually need. While most people (men, moreless) look at this as a good thing, it’s a bit out of hand when I’m standing in line at Wawa and I walk back, put every item away, and walk out empty handed because in my head, I knew I wouldn’t die without that bag of trail mix.

So, that’s it. Now I’m off to chat up my vag and down the rest of my 16 ounce blue Icee. Nothing says adult like that.

I’ve noticed that on any day that doesn’t require me to leave the house I have a very difficult time becoming a functioning member of society.  It’s not like I’ve been asleep all day, I just seem to float between the sofa and my bed a ridiculous number of times, ward off taking a shower, and take an unnecessary fast.  I’ve been watching unimportant things like this:

or reading blogs I like such as this ,

or checking Facebook compulsively while watching fire engines speed down my street, or checking CNN to see where Obama and his train are (I bet Amtrak isn’t charging him and arm and a leg, and he probably gets a seat for the whole trip), or searching Ebay for things I’ll never really need, or buy for that matter or just being generally useless and neglecting household chores.   I’d like to think it’s not because I’m lazy, but instead because of some higher reason that I just don’t understand yet. Perhaps it’s just me trying to enjoy a day of no responsibilities–something that rarely comes around anymore.  Either way, I’m plastered to the couch with a cozy blanket in the clothes I wore to sleep last night.  Not necessarily the most attractive thing to look at, but glamorous just isn’t my style.

S-L-O-W.

January 9, 2009

What do you do when there’s so much you want to do?  Okay, that sentence isn’t clear by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s how I feel right now.  The last few days I’ve turned into an application fiend, applying for tons of scholarships and numerous internships for the summer and fall.  If I have to look at my resume another second longer, my head might explode.  But I’ve realized there are TONS of things I’d love to do.  What,  you might ask?  Intern on the View, work with a filmmaker in the city, work at NPR for a semester, do the Disney program (okay, this one sort of blows a little bit, but hey, I’ve always wanted to try it out!)  I think I can blame all of this on a slow end of the week at work.  Without a mound of stuff on the desk to get through, I’ve had time to peruse the internet for all sorts of things.  Mostly things that don’t pertain to admissions.   And Facebook.  LOTS of Facebook. 

Spring semester begins in 2 days.  I’m actually excited, with the exception of Science and Civ II.  Otherwise, it should be a pretty enjoyable semester with creativity bursting at the seams.  Just remind me in eight weeks that I was actually excited about the work.

Off to go file, then guide people.  Home in three hours!

Hi there, 2009.

January 3, 2009

After arriving back in town after our holiday extravaganza in the Northeast, heading back to work, celebrating the New Year by watching a 3-year-old sleep, then driving again back to our lovely hometown to get the car inspected, I’m finally home.  For good this time, I hope.  Now only one more week of work before the semester begins–whether or not I feel ready for it.

I’ve noticed that the holidays have really lost their excitement.  Maybe because I’m not living with my parents anymore or maybe because Christmas usually means being shuffled from house to house for three days trying to visit all the homes that make up our families.  Or maybe because getting underwear is finally exciting.  Either way, I’ve realized that things just aren’t as they used to be; no waking up super early (this year I begged my mom for another hour of rest), no huge plans for New Year’s (instead, I babysat), no holiday spirit in general.  I mean, I truly tried.  We put up the tree, I bought gifts, I ate the cookies–all to no avail.  Maybe it’s the fact that every time I went to the mall I got shoved in the process.  Or the fact that my bank account isn’t as fluffy as it used to be or that the rent is due every month no matter how much is in there.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve just grown up.

So now that I’m settled back into my apartment I have had the chance to  look back at 2008 and I’ve realized that it may have just been the biggest year so far in my life.  I went through the end of a shitty relationship, my first abroad experience, moving out of my parents’ house, and finally figuring out what to do in college.  I won awards, broke hearts, got involved, got tattooed, became attached, and lived to tell about it all.  

Here’s to 2009, whatever it may bring.

Ah-hem.

December 29, 2008

After a hellish afternoon at the local mall (what in God’s good name was I thinking?) I have decided to compile a small list of things I swear I will never do.  In no particular order:

  1.  Shop again within the week after Christmas.  Enough said.
  2.  Allow my teen daughter to dress like she’s at least five years older than she really is.  I often wonder what parents are thinking and if it’s “Oh honey, you look adorable!” they should probably be shot.  And not allowed to have sex for the rest of their child bearing years.
  3. Scream at my child in the middle of a crowded mall.  Or grocery store.  Or anywhere for that matter.  When I pass a mother dressed in designer clothing, hair done nicely, dragging around dozens of shopping bags from places that don’t include Wal-Mart or Baby Gap, screaming “Jesus Christ you’re so damn annoying” at her children, I feel that maybe something is wrong with the situation.
  4. Forget to apologize for anything.  Maybe it’s just me, but if I so much as bump into someone at the store, I say “oh, sorry”.  I had someone nearly knock me over today and look at me as though it was my fault for being there in the first place.
  5. Leave the dishes pile up.  Okay, okay.  This one might not happen, but it’s good to be optimistic, right?

Christmas was lovely in good ol’ NEPA.  I’m still waiting for two gifts to arrive (one to me, one to Zach) and enjoying my day off before the work week resumes yet again.  I’ve decided to skip the New Year’s Eve festivities and instead babysit.  A little bit of extra money sounds better than getting drunk and having to drive home the morning after so I can get to work on time.  When did I get so old?