Somewhere between perfectly fine and writhing in pain.

Somewhere between last night at 5:30 and this morning at 9 I contracted the plague.  I couldn’t get myself off the sofa, my skin burned, and I had a fever that caused me to shake well into the night.  This morning, my throat was sore, my glands were swollen, and my head felt like I had been drinking hard liquor for several hours.  After calling my mom, she insisted I went to the doctor because “if I had an infection, it would surely get into my brain.”  Mind you, this is the woman who fears for my life during my trip to Guatemala this summer, makes me promise to not drive when there is the slightest mention of snow in the forecast, and won’t let me sleep a night alone in my apartment.  Anyway, to make her happy, I made the appointment and spent the day laying on the sofa, Facebooking (this should definitely be a verb) and sipping at blue Gatorade (the only good Gatorade, in my opinion). 

I pulled myself off the sofa, showered, and wobbled to my car to go to the doctor.  After getting semi-lost (thanks a lot, GPS), I got to the office and was entirely confused by the woman behind the tiny sliding glass window.  She had a million copies of my parents’ insurance cards and insisted I had a co-pay.  I didn’t have a dime on me, so after figuring out a billing process, I was ready to go.  Twenty minutes later I was staring at a doctor that told me I was fine, I had a virus, and I should take the rest of the week off.  Take the week off you say?  When you send the bill are you going to mail me ninety dollars and my notes from class tomorrow so I can do that without missing anything?  I didn’t think so.

So I’m going to try to choke down some solid food, figure out what’s going on for tomorrow, sit on Facebook for another ridiculous amount of time, then head to bed.

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I just have this feeling..

The other day I was driving to my friend’s apartment and we got into talking about my blog.  Not about the content, just merely the fact that she reads it every once in awhile.  I complained that I feel as though this blog, while I enjoy it, sucks because it either A) turns into a bitchfest which is kind of stereotypical of blogs, B) isn’t really worth reading and my lame attempts at being funny don’t succeed or C) just makes me look more stupid than I really am.  Now, for the three people who read this every day (or the one person who visits three times), I really can’t understand it.  The other day I had 18 views which, for me, is a lot.  I rarely talk about anything substantial, but instead just kind of ramble about my day, the stuff I have to do, and how I don’t want to do the dishes that are piling up in our kitchen.  I don’t tackle tough issues in our world, I don’t have anything wise to say, I just flat out spew the stuff that’s inside my head out onto my laptop every afternoon.  Maybe this is interesting to someone–if it is, I’d love to know who you are exactly–but I’m trying to instead just make this something I do for me.  I really don’t have many of those sorts of things, but I’m taking an active role in actually doing stuff because I want to, not someone else.  I’m really good at letting other people tell me what I should do and just kind of taking a supporting role in my life.  I’ve learned that this just leads to  lot of disappointment and missing out. I figure this is probably the best way to operate.

Taping tonight, off tomorrow.. it’s a wonderful feeling.

Who doesn’t love a 14 hour day?

When you wake up at 7 with every intention of showering and needing that hour in between the time you opened your eyes til you get in the car, you’re pretty disappointed when you are finished getting ready and notice that it’s only 7:26.  So here I sit after packing my lunch (doesn’t this sound slightly third grade-esque to you?) and figuring out what I need for the day.  Tuesdays are going to be work from 8:30-3pm til dance starts again, then lab from 3-4:30, and class again at 7.  Yes, it’s going to be a mighty long day for me, but it beats having to squeeze in work on most other days.  

First day back went well.  Science and Civ might actually be easier for me this semester, Short Films has a fun group of people so that alone makes it better, and Printmaking is, well, Printmaking.  That alone excites me.  We’re going to head into the city this week to get our supplies and then I’ll finally feel like things have really begun.  Spending $100-some dollars on stuff that will be gone in the blink of an eye always makes me feel as though some really work has started.

Lately I’ve noticed how odd my days feel.  Somewhere between home and school I’ve felt very mixed up about how to split myself evenly between everything I’m involved with.  It’s not as though I feel overwhelmed; I’m only two days into the semester.  It’s just a completely not understood place where I feel as though there needs to be two of me to get the job done right. There’s some sort of difference in the way I operate at home versus what goes on outside of the door.  Maybe I’m just losing it (hopefully not already) but I’m hoping it settles down.  

Til then, I’m off to conquer the mound of forms on the desk at work and tour guide.  Woo!

Here Comes the Sun.

The days are speeding past.  I feel as though my comfort with routine has slowly turn into a love-hate sort of relationship; instead offinding happiness in predictability, I’m growing  less content with knowing the sequence of events day in and day out.  There is always more work that needs to be done, more things that are being neglected, and less time to finish it all.  I should be working on my Creative Video project, but I can’t figure it out.  I should be memorizing slides, but I can’t find it in me.  The things I want to do are limited by the things I have to do, and there’s not nearly enough time in a day to get it all accomplished.

The weather has finally shifted which means:

• dressing in layers and not being hot all day
• warm fall-esque drinks (like hot cider and pumpkin cappuccino!) 
• frost on the windshield (not so good, but part of the territory)
• fall leaves! 
• beautiful colors!
• almost the end of fall semester
• getting to wear sweatpants to be

These things have made it considerably easier to make it rhough each day.  

Now I’m off to print resumes, figure out what in God’s name I’m creating for my Foundations project, and to probably weigh a balloon or something for my science lab.

Figuring it Out.

In my latest attempt to understand the inner-workings of the entire universe and why exactly I haven’t felt very calm in the last few weeks, I came across something really interesting.  I came across something that probably is the biggest defining aspect of me as a person.

I serve as a tour guide at my university.  This seems pretty mudane, but in all honesty, it’s one of the most rewarding things I’ve had the chance to do.  No, it’s not because I get to show off all my knowledge of the school (anyone can memorize a book) or because I’m essentially selling a $40,000+ something-or-other to anyone.  It’s because I get to talk to people.  I LOVE talking to people.  It’s something that used to get me in trouble in elementary school for doing over an addition lesson or during “quiet reading”.  I thrive on being able to hear what others have to say and getting to share my insight.

This week I had a “special needs” student.  I hate that phrase, special needs.  She had a walker, but she had determination that I have never seen.  She didn’t baby herself during the trek across campus (which, mind you, is hardly handicap accessible) while talking to me about what she liked: writing, her school’s literary magazine, and her desire to study at Oxford.  We had a great talk and at the end of the tour, her parents asked me for a card so they could email my supervisor.   I gave them both my card and his, and as I sat in the reception area, the father walked back through, letting me know he told the President of the college how great I was.  I was astonished by this; what did I do?  He said I had patience.  I said any decent person would.  He said I would be surprised by the lack of decent people left in the world.

I guess I really am.

I love getting to know the stories of others.  What inspires them, what makes them wake up in the morning.  I think I find it so interesting–especially now–because I myself am trying to figure out what makes me wake up in the morning.  It’s becoming tougher lately, but with these tiny revelations, I find so much that I didn’t have before.

Can’t Stop.

There has been no time for me to do this.  Last night I mentioned how I feel that I wash dishes constantly, between attending classes and sleeping.  My apartment fell into a state of disorder between my lack of time and care for it, but thankfully, it was remedied this weekend.  I’m still behind, but not by much.  

I will do this when I have something coherent to say.

I said I’d do this…

These are the explainations of the objects in my book for the final project in Foundations.  I hope these shed some light on the otherwise random objects I’ve compiled—

Camera-est. 2007

In Fall 2007, I decided to establish a Fine Arts minor, focusing on Photography.  I have had a love for this form of art for many years, but have never worked with developing and enlarging in the darkroom.  This camera was given to me by my boyfriend’s father as something for me to use throughout the rest of my college career.

Backpack -est. 1998

This backpack has traveled with me from elementary, junior high, senior high, and now college.  I have always loved the color yellow and as a child, my mother believed that Jansport backpacks were given to humans by the grace of God and his understanding that most backpacks didn’t hold up beyond a year of being drug down the stairs of my Catholic elementary school.  Despite the zippers being faulty (but luckily, they come with two on each track) I have been able to utilize this backpack.  Although I sometimes substitute it out for other bags-more interesting, more colorful, and not of the backpack variety-it seems that I always return to the durability that I can rely on.  With its padded straps, many storage pockets, and bright yellow color, I have always found this to be something that can be counted on in my academic life.

Blankets-est. 1989

My blankets.  For those who know me, this would be the single identifying object that I still have within my possession.  Nothing has been able to come between me and them in my (nearly) 20 years.  I arrived home from the hospital wrapped in their delicate knit weave, wrapped as warmly as I still try to become now.  Although they have ripped, faded, and aged immensely, I still find a comfort in them that I have not been able to find from anything else.  They remind me of a less stressful time in my life, the safety and security of home, and my family.  I am often asked if I will give them up when I myself have children and I quickly answer with a definitive “no”, as I am convinced that I would steal them back from time to time.

Soy milk container-est. 2006

In Summer 2006, I decided that I would no longer eat red meat.  From there, my diet progressed; I slowly eliminated poultry and fish shortly after.  Now, living with my vegan boyfriend, I have realized that I barely consume any animal products or by-products.  Although my turn to vegetarianism was originally diet-motivated (I was looking to lose weight), it has now become focused on environmental awareness.  For me, Chocolate Silk perfectly represents my love affair with a vegetarian diet.  This is a treat that comes into my apartment once a week and is typically consumed within just a few hours of being purchased.

Ballet bag/shoes-est. 1995

I have never been athletic.  As a child, I attempted every sport-karate, little league, soccer, basketball, gymnastics-and failed miserably.  As an attempt to get me involved in something, my mother enrolled me for dance lessons at a local ballet studio.  Once a week, I took ballet, tap, and jazz lessons.  I have now been dancing for over ten years, and have been trained classically in ballet, tap, and Pointe ballet.  As a college student, I now participate in the campus dance organization and have branched out to other styles of dance.  This is something that has allowed me to grow in grace, patience, and discipline.

The Hoboken Chicken Emergency-est. 1992, 2005

After watching this film as an adult, I realized that it may not have been the cinematic masterpiece I once hailed it as, but nonetheless, it holds a special place in my heart.  This movie was first found during a trip to the local Blockbuster when I was a child.  My mother, a stay at home mom caring for me and my younger brother, often took us to find new movies to keep us occupied in the afternoons.  This became a staple in my house and finally, we purchased it.  After moving several times during my childhood, the tape became lost and I was unable to find it for many years.  Three Christmases ago, my best friend (and now boyfriend) bought it for me as a surprise gift.  I was thrilled to have it back in my life and constantly subject my friends to the 90 minute experience that is The Hoboken Chicken Emergency.

Seashell-est. 1999

When I was young, I often longed to go to the beach.  As my brother, sister, and myself finally grew older, my mother thought it would be great to take our annual camping trip to the Delaware shore instead of the campgrounds that we had grown very accustomed to.  The summer trip quickly became a family tradition, and each summer the four of us made the four hour and eleven minute journey to the Rehoboth Beach, Delaware area.  After years of staying at the same campground, it closed its gates and our family trip ended.  It has been seven years since I have been to the shores of Delaware but every time I visit the beach with friends, I recall the summers that I spent digging in the sand with my brother or riding bikes along dirt trails with my sister.  They were summers that I will never forget and always recall fondly.

Glasses-est. 1994

After years of squinting and thousands of headaches, my mother took me for an eye exam when I was in kindergarten.  At first glance, I felt extremely cool in my new specks.  After a few weeks, however, I quickly realized I was the only child in class with glasses and relegated them to my pencil box and continued squinting.  Three years later, my eye sight became so terrible that I had no other choice but to wear the glasses.  I am now legally blind in my left eye and becoming quite close in my right.  I wear contacts to correct my vision, but sometimes opt for the more classic black frames that I bought during high school.

Sandals-est. 2006

I found these sandals on sale in the winter of 2006.  They quickly became my favorite and I vowed to wear them every day during the summer of 2006.  The wear and tear soon overpowered the construction of leather and foam cores, and tears became evident in the suede soles.  This past spring, despite the holes, I wore them during my journey to India.  I photographed my feet several times, documenting the travels that the shoes had become such an important part of.  Although my mother and friends constantly begged me to get new shoes (and after being forced to purchase new ones) I still continued to wear my old ones until they broke.  Sadly, on September 17, they finally broke, leaving me to my new leather sandals.  I have decided to hold onto these as they became a huge part of my typical wardrobe and are an important souvenir of my trip last spring.

Jeans-est. 2002, 2006-2008

These jeans are not representative of a love of fashion or an obsession with denim; they instead are of various sizes, ranging from girls size 14 jeans to juniors size 2.  In the past seven years, I have struggled with my weight.  Entering junior high school, I weighed 140 pounds.  During the summer between seventh and eighth grade, I lowered my weight to 110 pounds.  While at summer camp that July, I saw several teachers who were afraid that I had become ill.  I soon balanced back out and became healthier.  As I progressed into high school, my battle with weight took a backseat to a busy academic and social life.  After entering college in 2006, I once again became obsessed with my body.  I lost weight rapidly; by the spring of 2007, I was 82 pounds.  I had other ailments that became apparent as a result of my disorder-irregular heartbeats, constant fatigue, hair loss, and change in my skin tone.  After seeing my mom at my dance recital, she decided that something would have to be done.  I moved home in May and, under the constant watch of my friends and family, began gaining weight.  By the following fall, I was 100 pounds and in much better health.  This year, under the recommendation of my doctor (and to the delight of my family), I have balanced out at 110 pounds.  The struggle with my weight has been something that I always fear and has been difficult for me to confront, but with the constant support of those close to me, I have been able to defeat my illness and maintain a healthier lifestyle.

Violin-est. 1999

I have always loved music and became involved with my local Philharmonic at a young age.  As soon as a strings program became available at my school, I begged my mother to allow me to join.  Since I was not involved in any athletic teams, she thought it would be a great opportunity to find an activity that I enjoyed.  At first, I was drawn to the cello, but because of my size, I was encouraged to instead try the violin.  I have been playing the violin for almost a decade; I have participated in school ensembles, pit orchestras, community symphonies, and university orchestras.  After moving to Glenside, I have not been playing nearly as often as I have in the past, but I hope to once again revive my love for music.

Mother-daughter necklace-est. 2007

I often hear people who describe their relationship with their mother with disdain.  I have honestly found my mother to be my best friend.  Growing up as the oldest child in a single-parent family, I often found myself in role of friend and supporter instead of daughter.  I have now found myself growing closer to my mother in the years since I moved out, looking to her for support in my life and relationships.  She has helped me in the worst times of my life and we have both succeeded in the face of adversity.  I look to her for love and compassion when others just do not seem to understand me.  She’s helped me grow into the young woman I am now and I appreciate her wisdom.  This necklace was my Christmas present to her last year, with my sister also receiving one.  We wear them as reminders of each other and that no matter where we live, we are always bound together.

Ruler-est. 1989

This ruler isn’t symbolic of a love of lines; instead, it symbolizes my height (or lack thereof).  As a child, I was always one of the tallest kids in my class.  This soon changes as many people hit their growth spurts in fifth or sixth grade.  I, instead, stopped growing, and leveled out at four feet, eleven inches in the fourth grade.  Since then, I have remained relatively the same size.  Although I’m the oldest of three, I am shadowed by my siblings, who are 5’10” and 5’7″, respectively.  My size is typically the topic of jokes about my age-I’m often asked if I need a children’s menu when dining out with my parents.  While I may be small (and occasionally need a cushion to see over the driver’s seat), I have learned to embrace my size; children’s clothing is much more inexpensive!

Planner-est. 2006

I never carried a planner until I entered college.  In the past, I often looked to Post-It notes to organize my work schedule, the hectic life of extra-curricular activities, and upcoming test dates.  My planner is now filled to the brim with meeting times, project due dates, work hours, and the schedule of my boyfriend.  I often spend more than half my day on campus, where I’m involved in a hectic academic schedule paired with work and clubs.  I have tried to stay involved throughout my time in college, but often found that it means limited time for my self.  This can sometimes be a burden, but, I have found joy in participating in various organizations, such as For the Women, Ambassadors, and Knight Club.

Drumline shirt-est. 2003

Three weeks before the start of my Freshman year, I moved to a new high school.  As a way to meet new people, I thought it’d be great to join the high school marching band.  Since I only had a background in string instruments, my band director thought I would fit well in the drumline.  As I had never picked up a drum in my entire life, I was scared.  Before I knew it, I had a set of cymbals strapped to my wrist and I was learning to march.  My high school had a competitive marching band, performing weekly at different competitions around the state.  Band was not only an activity; it was where most of my friends were made.  Now, three years since I graduated, I have realized that the only friends I have kept in touch with were those made during my first few weeks at my new high school.  Band gave me an amazing outlet for my musical creativity and a chance to learn new things; by the end of my high school career, I had played bass drum, learned marimba, performed as a cymbalist, learned clarinet, and even served as the Colorguard captain my senior year.

Track shirt-est. 2006

As previously mentioned, I have no athletic talent.  I wasn’t surprised by the reaction I had when I told my friends that I was joining the track team for my senior year.  Many people were confused; my brother and sister laughed.  They had both been on for their entire high school careers-my brother was a distance runner and my sister ran hurdles.  I trained hard and by the end of the semester, came within three points of receiving a varsity letter.  The only thing that stood in my way was my last meet; I accidently led my entire relay team to the wrong side of the track, resulting in us missing the race.  Needless to say, I was embarrassed, but very much satisfied with the accomplishment of actually doing something that I didn’t think I could.  This was something that I did to prove to myself that I could succeed if I tried; even if it was something that many people didn’t believe could happen.

Graduation shirt-est. 2006

I entered high school in fall of 2003 and graduated in June 2006, in just under three years.  When I arrived at Berwick, I had been inspired to accelerate my high school career.  Throughout my schooling, I had been pushed beyond my grade level and had even attempted to skip a grade during elementary school.  After being turned down by my small catholic elementary school, I settled for what was available to me.  Once I realized that it would be possible for me to graduate high school in three years, I began my petitions.  I  had to write letters to school board officials, the superintendent, and high school leaders.  Many people opposed my idea and felt that I should not try to “grow up” sooner than I needed to.  I had been offered a chance to take full-time courses at a local university, but I knew in my heart that I wanted to begin at the university that I would graduate from.  After endless phone calls, letters, and even tears, I finally had my way.  I walked in my graduation as sixth in my class and as an honor graduate, achieving a 98.2 GPA.

Keys-est. 2002

My keys are symbolic of my independent life.  I have recently moved out and rent my own apartment.  I also have my car key-I drive a 1997 Subaru Outback that has become a very big part of my life since crashing my Jetta in 2005.  My keys are the lifeline to everything that is near and dear; I can’t get home without them, and I can’t travel anywhere if I misplace them.

Foot tattoo-est. 2007

I have an extreme fear of needles, so I wasn’t surprised when many people laughed when I said I was getting a tattoo.  My mother doubted me even after I sent her a photograph of my fresh ink.  The phrase, “Nothing is worth more than this day” was engraved on a bracelet that my mother gave me on my high school graduation day.  It was meant as something to inspire me and to constantly remind me to live for the moment.  The bracelet, however, was too big and I was never able to wear it.  I chose it as my first tattoo because of the connection I have with my mom and because I thought it would be something that I would love to carry with me every day of my life.

Chest tattoo-est. 2008

After having my first tattoo, I realized it would not be long until I had another.  I loved the idea of having a permanent work of art with me at all times.  After coming home from India in Spring 2008, I decided that I would get at tattoo to commemorate the trip that changed my life.  I have always been fascinated by peacocks, and while there, found numerous pictures of peacocks painted in a traditional manner.  After arriving back in Glenside, I had my friend compose a drawing using several parts of many drawings that I had photographed during my time in India.  This was then turned into my tattoo.  While I do not see it often, it reminds me of an amazing trip and the change that it brought into my life.

Looking Up

Alone, night two.  My things for my final project for foundations (can I believe I’m nearly five weeks into the semester? NO!) are on their way; I think I have decided to either do some type of bound book, or a display.  Either way, there will be a typed handout to correlate with the presentation.

I lost yet another roll of film today.  It’s a complete heartbreat; although it wasn’t the entire thing, it was more than a third.  It’s upsetting to put so much time and effort into one thing only to see it fall apart within about fifteen minutes.

Which happens to families, and marriages, and friendships everyday, so I guess I can’t complain much about a roll of film.  Except that my grade hinges on it.

So to celebrate (or try to hurry along) my last night alone, I’ve curled up with some snacks–despite my body honestly not needing them–a laptop, and soon my bed.  It’s been the weekend from hell and I can honestly say I’m looking forward to tomorrow for an array of reasons.

To Clarify..

As I re-read the last post, it sounds angry toward people who don’t deserve it.  My relationship (the one with him) is perfect and the only problems lie in the ones that have been made in this town.  I feel completely bewildered at how yesterday’s events played out and in all honesty, I’m tired of being the one who has to fight to work it out.  I will no longer worry; instead, it’s going to have to just be this way.

You Know Me Better than That.

So, yes, I am stealing something from Shaba (I hope it’s okay to call you that : ) ) but it’s late, I want to blog, and this is a good way to go about it.  Updates about the “now and lately” at a time that I hope is sooner than later.

A. Attached or Single? Attached.  It may not have been exclaimed publicly, or highly spoken of, but I wouldn’t say I’m single by any stretch of the imagination.

B. Best Friend? it’s cliche to to have someone who you are dating to be your “best friend”, but Zach has been my best friend for quite some time.  So him.  And Duane.  And Mare and Coll.  Oh hell, it’s best friends for me.

C. Cake or pie?  Pie, unless it’s chocolate cake.  Then I would take the cake.  Otherwise, give me pie and some soy milk and call it a day : )

D. Day of choice? Lately I’ve been a fan of Thursdays because it means classes are finished, I can finally sleep in, and there’s no pressure until Monday (oh and Shaba, I agree entirely–Thursdays in my house growing up meant ER with my mom after everyone else went to sleep!)

E. Essential item? My iPod.  It’s turned into the one thing I can’t live without.  With a fifteen minute commute to school everyday, I’d probably die without being able to slip away and listen to a bit of music as I peddle to school.  Plus, it really helps for those long car rides.

F. Favorite color? I’’m constantly confused about this one.. it really changes day to day.  The old standby, though, has been yellow.  I love all things yellow and can’t get enough.   But purple, red, and green have a close three-way tie for second place, for sure.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Gummy bears, simply because I love the pineapple ones.  They were by far the least liked ones in my house as a child, so I took to liking them because they were always in abundance.  I love all. things. pineapple.

H. Hometown?  Eh, two hours away from me currently.  As previously said, I too would rather not say.

I. Favorite indulgence? sleeping in, shopping trips for things that aren’t a necessity, and a good pint of Ben and Jerry’s.

J. January or July? January.

K. Kids? not now, not for awhile.

L. Life isn’t complete without? the person (or people) you can’t live without.

M. Marriage date? …currently unplanned?

N. Number of brothers and sisters?  one brother, one sister.

O. Oranges or Apples?  Apples, but only green.

P. Phobias? falling into water and being in the car.

Q. Quotes?  “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”–Jack Kerouac

R. Reasons to smile?  I’m living with my best friend (and boyfriend), I just saw one of my other best friends (Mare), my homework is finished for the night, I’m about to go to sleep, and I have my first Creative Video class tomorrow : )

S. Season of choice? Late summer, early autumn.  That might not be a season, but that’s surely what I like.

T. Tag 5 people: Oh jeez, louise.  Since I’m being taught how to do this in a bit, I will say just take a visit to my blogroll–they are beautiful people who write better than I do!

U. Unknown fact about me?  I have a shower routine:  wash face, wash body, shave, shampoo.  I can’t mix it up, and if I do, my day is doomed from the get go.  I don’t make the rules, I simply live by them.

V. Vegetable? Artichokes, broccoli, and avocados.

W. Worst habit? Probably constantly scratching at my head.  I’d blame it on the bouts with lice as a young child… or that I’m obsessive compulsive.

X. X-ray or Ultrasound? X-ray, because it doesn’t require you to drink half your body weight in liquids before you go for one.

Y. Your favorite food? oh Lord.  Pizza, in its many variations.  Or anything Zach makes, because he’s the best cook I know

Z. Zodiac sign? Aquarius, through and through.

Thanks for giving me something to do tonight Shaba! : )