So I don’t forget.

January 25, 2009

Here I stand, on January 25, and I am vowing to purchase the following items in a timely fashion.  These are things that I don’t need, but instead, have been waiting to get for quite some time.  I’ve been drooling over a new SLR Camera since I got back from India.  I’ve been pricing both Nikons and Canons, but at the moment, the Canon seems like the best option (price-wise, at least).  I’ve also been looking to switch to a Mac because my PC is a joke.  I can’t do what I need to, the body is falling apart, and I figure I can probably get a good deal on an older model Mac since new ones are coming out pretty much every other week it seems.  I’m also revisiting the idea of finally going for my third tattoo before I decide against it.  I know after my Louisiana service trip I’ll probably want one as well, but I’m kind of anxious to go.  I’ve been promising myself one for my birthday since the summertime, and with under a week to go, it’s looking as though I probably won’t make that self-imposed deadline.   

January is quickly coming to a close.  I’m looking forward to this spring so much and it’s really hard to contain my excitement.  I did, however, realize that a majority of my friends will be graduating this spring.  I’m a bit nervous to see how this pans out because I know from past experience that no matter how much you vow to stay in touch, it’s increasingly difficult when people are scattered around the country.  I’m hoping that this isn’t the case this time and that I really can stay close to the people I’ve met over the last three years here.  Soon enough though I too will be getting ready to make my exit and moving on to another city.  

For now, I’m going to gather some notes, make sure everything is in order for later, get some groceries (Jell-O, anyone?), plan a website, and FINALLY start dance for the semester.  This is where it starts to get a wee bit crazy.

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If I’ve learned anything in the past three years, it’s that I tend to jump into things too quickly.  Choice of college, my relationships, deciding what classes to take, volunteering for stuff–I’d say about 90% of such decisions were made quickly without evaluating all options.  I’m not saying all of these things are bad, but what I have realized is that sometimes I need to think things through, give them time, and revisit them when I have a clearer mind.  Many times, I don’t necessarily wait and seek out what I’m really going after and then in time, I realize that I’ve accumulated a list of regrets and “what if’s”.  Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe, just maybe, I should have waited longer before deciding on a college.  Wondering what if I would have figured out a way to study abroad this past fall?  What would my life be like if I could have been the person I wanted to be a year ago?  

While I know wondering about the past won’t at all affect my life now, it’s this reflection that leads me into thinking about how I live my life presently.  Am I where I want to be as a person?  Am I letting things pass me by?  I have to identify what I want and really start going after it before I wake up in ten years and realize that I’ve let things slip through the cracks.  I feel like with the new year and my birthday around the corner, I really really have to straighten myself out.  Not because someone else needs me to, but because I need me to.  It’s the least I owe myself.

It’s Friday.. again.

January 23, 2009

So last Friday I posted a video, and in keeping with tradition–yes, this is a new tradition–and because I’m not sure what to write about, I’m posting another video.

This video comes about because I’m pretty sure that I’ve become addicted to Facebook.  I met a kind person the other day while volunteering at my college for MLK Day and became friends with him.  Noticing that he was a video student at a nearby college, I checked out his videos and I found this:

I sure hope he doesn’t care. Or doesn’t read this.   Either way, enjoy.

My Life Pursuit.

January 22, 2009

When you grow up in a small town, you’re often encouraged to dream. As many people from my graduating class haven’t even left the zip code, I look at myself as a small success story. Either way, we were all required to write a short “life goal” list that was included with our pictures in the senior yearbook. For me, I listed a bunch of stuff that I had hoped to accomplish. On that list I mentioned visiting Germany, graduating with my Masters, and continuing my journey to feel infinite. I still haven’t made it to Germany (India instead), I’m nearly finished with my undergrad and I have every intention of going on for my MFA and the journey still continues. Over the last few days, I’ve really been thinking about what I truly want in this life after being recommended to look at my life, figure out how I want to continue, and shoot for it. So, in no particular order:

  • solid foods: this is at the top because it’s short-term. I have been semi-restricted to liquids the last six days or so for some unknown reason. I do, however, enjoy being able to drink Icees and eat unlimited quantities of Jell-O without even feeling guilty.
  • visit Germany: this stays. I still really really really really really want to go.
  • be in love, get married, have kids, blah blah blah: I want the whole she-bang. While I’m in a relationship now, I know that I want to have my special day with pretty dress and flowers (which is, I’m pretty sure, the only real reason I want a wedding) and I want kids. Not one. At least two. With cool names and middle names that make other kids say “what were your parents’ thinking?”
  • get into a school for my MFA: I really feel that despite a lackluster portfolio, if I’m given the chance to go somewhere for my MFA (Chicago? Baltimore? Rutgers?) I could really excel. I have the desire, I have the drive–most days–and I know that it’s what I want. I’d love to teach at some point but more than anything I’d love to have the opportunity to learn more than I already know.
  • Tell every person I know exactly how I feel about them: This isn’t quite as much of a “thing I want to accomplish” as it’s me being honest with myself and the people that I love. I should get on this, pronto.
  • Get over my fear of spending money: I have a phobia that prohibits me from buying anything I don’t actually need. While most people (men, moreless) look at this as a good thing, it’s a bit out of hand when I’m standing in line at Wawa and I walk back, put every item away, and walk out empty handed because in my head, I knew I wouldn’t die without that bag of trail mix.

So, that’s it. Now I’m off to chat up my vag and down the rest of my 16 ounce blue Icee. Nothing says adult like that.

I realized today that I attach myself to people.  I feel that this might be why I only have a handful of “real” friends.  Once someone talks to me–or I meet them for the first time, or they show me the slightest amount of kindness–I cling.  I realize that this is a huge problem for a majority of the civilized world, but I do it no matter how much I attempt not to.  I feel like this is something that can be linked back to my childhood (and if it can’t be, I’d like to say it can be so I have an explaination for my behavior).  Either way, I tend to bother the people who will listen, over-interact with anyone who seems to enjoy my company, and drive all the people in my life out of their minds.  I really wish I knew how to leave people alone more often, but when I find someone I enjoy because of their wonderful personality, or their knowledge, or their way of just brightening up my day, I try to talk to them as much as I can.  I want to keep those people that I think are special as close as possible but I realize tht I later feel terrible for smothering them with my insecurity of having them leave me.  This is something I should probably get over.  Fast.

I’ve been feeling semi-uninspired, so to help me get past this mental block, I’ve looked to Shaba to help me out.  Here it goes!

The rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

1)    What one quote/lyric/etc do you live your life by? Why?

I actually have been thinking about this a lot lately.  I have the quote “Nothing is worth more than this day” tattooed on my foot and I’ve really been trying to live by that.  When things seem dismal, all I really have to do is take a glance down to be reminded that no matter what, today’s better than yesterday was and tomorrow has the promise of greatness.

2)    What is your earliest memory?
People think I’m lying, but I remember being 2 and a half years old at the petting zoo, having sheep rip the shoelaces right out of my sneakers while my pregnant mother attempted to chase them away.  Beyond that, I remember being about three or four and hanging out on my back porch with my Aunt in the summertime, relaxing on our glider.
3)    What would someone be surprised to learn about you?
A lot of people are surprised to learn that I have two tattoos, but I’ve had pictures of them on here, so that’s not too exciting.  Sometimes it’s surprising to those who think they know me that I’m actually a year younger than most of them think I am (born in 1989).  Other than that, I think I’m a pretty boring person.
4)    If you had to pick one meal to eat for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Pizza, as long as I could have it in many varieties.  Or pancakes with chocolate chips and blueberries and apples, just not all at the same time.
5)    Would you ever do anything just to get on tv?
No.  I really hate being in front of the camera.

Now it’s your turn!  If you actually read this (and keep a blog) post and I will “interview” you.

Meh.

January 18, 2009

After a tough three days–probably the worst I’ve had since early 2007–I’ve kind of decided that something needs to be done.  I’m trying to get my head on straight and figure out how to go about getting help.  These problems aren’t simply me being full of emotions, but maybe something deeper.  I’m looking to straighten myself out so I can in turn straighten my life out.

Since we’re off for Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I get to venture into the city tomorrow for my supplies.  I’m looking forward to a busy week (schedules seem to help me exponentially) and dance starting up again.  I’m just hoping things get under control sooner than later.

I’ve noticed that on any day that doesn’t require me to leave the house I have a very difficult time becoming a functioning member of society.  It’s not like I’ve been asleep all day, I just seem to float between the sofa and my bed a ridiculous number of times, ward off taking a shower, and take an unnecessary fast.  I’ve been watching unimportant things like this:

or reading blogs I like such as this ,

or checking Facebook compulsively while watching fire engines speed down my street, or checking CNN to see where Obama and his train are (I bet Amtrak isn’t charging him and arm and a leg, and he probably gets a seat for the whole trip), or searching Ebay for things I’ll never really need, or buy for that matter or just being generally useless and neglecting household chores.   I’d like to think it’s not because I’m lazy, but instead because of some higher reason that I just don’t understand yet. Perhaps it’s just me trying to enjoy a day of no responsibilities–something that rarely comes around anymore.  Either way, I’m plastered to the couch with a cozy blanket in the clothes I wore to sleep last night.  Not necessarily the most attractive thing to look at, but glamorous just isn’t my style.

watch it, you won’t regret it.

Somewhere between last night at 5:30 and this morning at 9 I contracted the plague.  I couldn’t get myself off the sofa, my skin burned, and I had a fever that caused me to shake well into the night.  This morning, my throat was sore, my glands were swollen, and my head felt like I had been drinking hard liquor for several hours.  After calling my mom, she insisted I went to the doctor because “if I had an infection, it would surely get into my brain.”  Mind you, this is the woman who fears for my life during my trip to Guatemala this summer, makes me promise to not drive when there is the slightest mention of snow in the forecast, and won’t let me sleep a night alone in my apartment.  Anyway, to make her happy, I made the appointment and spent the day laying on the sofa, Facebooking (this should definitely be a verb) and sipping at blue Gatorade (the only good Gatorade, in my opinion). 

I pulled myself off the sofa, showered, and wobbled to my car to go to the doctor.  After getting semi-lost (thanks a lot, GPS), I got to the office and was entirely confused by the woman behind the tiny sliding glass window.  She had a million copies of my parents’ insurance cards and insisted I had a co-pay.  I didn’t have a dime on me, so after figuring out a billing process, I was ready to go.  Twenty minutes later I was staring at a doctor that told me I was fine, I had a virus, and I should take the rest of the week off.  Take the week off you say?  When you send the bill are you going to mail me ninety dollars and my notes from class tomorrow so I can do that without missing anything?  I didn’t think so.

So I’m going to try to choke down some solid food, figure out what’s going on for tomorrow, sit on Facebook for another ridiculous amount of time, then head to bed.